Here’s a pretty uncontroversial idea: people do annoying things. They break social boundaries. They say things that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes, they even sin against us. But, when we find someone’s actions out of line, we should follow the Bible as we ask them to make a change.
The 4 Windows of Jesus’ Complaint Department
The Christian Complaint Department has four windows. The windows have progressively more people inside. But, every window involves having an upfront conversation with the person being corrected. If someone sins against us, we should talk to them in person, then with one or two witnesses, then with the whole group, and, finally, we should part ways.
Since the Greek word for “sin” literally means “miss the mark,” these steps are intended for more than just moral complaints. If your brother or sister is doing anything you dislike, don’t badmouth them to friends/family. Don’t complain to church leadership. Unless you just want to actively cause more harm, do what the Bible says!
Matthew 18:15-17 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
This article will discuss some possible benefits of following this Biblical pattern. But, above any other reasons, we should all have one overarching motivation: obeying God. If you respect God’s authority, this is what He has told you to do. Even if it doesn’t make sense in the moment, have faith that His ways are best. His instructions will result in peace.
Window 1: One-on-One Conversation
If you have a complaint against another Christian, talk to them directly. That conversation will probably feel awkward. In my opinion, that’s the whole point. Criticizing someone else feels really good…unless you have to look them in the eye while you’re doing it (this is why Twitter is such a 24/7 firestorm!). Making a complaint should cost the accuser a certain level of emotional discomfort. If the level of the offense isn’t enough to overcome the prospect of personal discomfort, it isn’t worth mentioning in the first place.
But, if the offense was big enough to outweigh the potential awkwardness, there’s no better setting for a person to admit their mistakes than a one-on-one conversation. If you genuinely care about the person, you should love them enough to give them a chance to make an adjustment without losing face. Keeping the issue private is what’s best for them.
Likewise, on the off chance you’re wrong (really, it could happen!), a one-on-one conversation will allow you to drop your accusation without having to backpedal. Either way, the world is a much better place when patrons of the Christian Complaint Department begin at Window #1!
Window 2: Witnesses
But, maybe things couldn’t be resolved at Window 1. You described your complaint clearly and openly. But, the person wasn’t willing to change. If so, it’s time to widen the circle.
The next window of the Christian Complaint Department has a couple more people. But, since the person being accused is present, it also means another (even more) awkward conversation for the accuser. Once again, making an accusation should be uncomfortable. That’s on purpose!
But, including one or two others is important for several reasons. First of all, the third-party will be able to think clearly and objectively. Maybe they’ll be able to explain something you or your brother have misunderstood. If so, the most important thing is that the conflict has been resolved. Mission accomplished! Everyone can shake hands and go home!
But, if the additional witnesses aren’t able to resolve the issue, they serve another purpose. It’s their job to get the facts straight before bringing the issue to the next window. If things have to escalate, the whole church deserves to receive a clear presentation of the issue. These objective witnesses will be able to present the facts in a way that is trustworthy and unbiased.
Window 3: Church-Wide Conversation
If the last two windows were uncomfortable, the third window is the worst one yet. Are you, as the accuser, so convinced of your brother’s sin that you’re willing to go on record in front of the whole church? Are you willing to risk causing a separation that may never be repaired again? If not, you should drop the issue.
But, if the topic cannot be overlooked, the group must speak clearly. The actions of the accused are unacceptable. If they want to be part of the group, they must correct their behavior. Else, they must leave.
Window 4: Removal from the Group
The final window is the most tragic. Only the wickedness of willful sin could possibly require you to cut off fellowship with your brother. Else, the discomfort of the prior three conversations would have caused him to repent. Those conversations described his error plainly and ensured his decision was not a result of circumstance. As much as you love them, a Christian who won’t repent is not a Christian at all (Hebrews 10:26). It’s time to part ways, for the protection of the group (1 Corinthians 5:6-7) and to lovingly call him to change.
God is with You
Removing someone from the church is a hard choice. Having seen it a few times in the past, I’ve watched the emotional toll it takes on a church. But, there’s some comfort: God supports the decision.
Matthew 18:18-20 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.
Although this passage is commonly misquoted as a way of saying that you only need two Christians for a church service, that’s not the point at all. If you follow God’s plan for dealing with controversy, He’s on your side. That process is specially designed to avoid mistakes. If two or more Christians agree that a sin has occurred and bring it to the church, they can be confident the decision to disfellowship was a reflection of God’s will in Heaven. He is with them and supports the decision.